Four years ago I lost a good amount of weight. It was the first time I was below 300 lbs. since my teen years.
I have always been a tall guy. I was 6’1 in the seventh grade – it made me a dream for the basketball coach. Of course, to take advantage of the height, that person must also have some kind of athletic ability.
As evidence, I bring to the court’s attention the time in my childhood I played soccer and scored on my own team, as well as the time I played baseball and hit a pop-fly right up towards the sun which then fell and hit me on the head. So, I was 6’1 with the sporting ability of Stephen Hawking, and because I had grown so much in two years, I was also lucky enough to have knees made entirely of Fabergé eggs.
In 2011, I moved to Toronto. I was in a terrible relationship, I had two jobs that I hated, and I couldn’t get stage time to save my life. I was tired and fat. So I went to the gym. It was at this magical place that I found the secret to weight loss. I hope you are sitting down my friends. Buckle up my friends, as we are about to take a trip of Narnian proportions. I discovered that the way to lose weight is to eat slightly less than you normally do and try to be a little more active. I KNOW! I was as shocked as you are. Please … tell no one. What would the world do if they found this out? MADNESS I tell you. There would be madness.
When I lost the weight I was happier, a little bit healthier and I found that my body craved water and the workout. After a death in the family, I moved back to Victoria and started a relationship with a wonderful woman who just so happens to now be my wife. She met me when I was well above 300 pounds and had a nice dark nest of patchy, pathetic sideburns for a musical I was doing. If that’s not love – what is?
Over the past few years I have packed on more weight in a chapter of my life I like to call Happy Fat. It’s like the movie Happy Feet – but no dancing and pollution – it’s more poutine and a beautiful woman. This chapter has led me to today. When I weighed myself last week, I discovered that I am the heaviest I have ever been. I don’t need to disclose the number, but I will say I can now technically qualify for sumo wrestling. Which, I would do if I wasn’t worried that the sight of me and my man boobies in a thong would cause the Armageddon.
So what have I decided to do about this issue? Well, I have decided to drop the weight. And I never do anything in a small way, so my wife and I have set a goal. On our first anniversary we are going to run a 10K. So we have started training. I have started running. Day one was hard but it felt good. Yesterday was harder and it felt even better. It’s not a huge, detailed plan. It’s just getting up and doing something. There isn’t a weight goal, though I am down a few pounds from last week. Since I talk about weight in my stand up, somebody asked me what I would talk about if I lost the weight. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that if I don’t do something now I can joke on stage about how fat and tired I am until I probably die in my 40s, or I can make a change today and make jokes about something else well into my 70s. Tough choice.
I guess we will find out what happens next month.