It’s snowing my friends! What sweet, holy Hell is this?

I write to you with worry in my heart folks – I may not survive this. Right now I write to you from the future! Well, kind of … I’m in Newfoundland, so technically I’m a half-hour ahead of anybody who will likely read this. There is snow in the future my friends – and I don’t like it.

As we waited for our plane to take off and take us from Halifax, NS to Gander, NL I looked at my phone to see what the weather would be like when we landed. My phone showed that, not only was it freezing, but that there was a SNOW WARNING. It’s spring time! I couldn’t believe what my phone was saying. I ended up shaking it like an etch-a-sketch to frantically try and make it better, but it didn’t work. Instead, we landed in the white tundra that is Atlantic Canada.

That’s right, Atlantic Canada. I didn’t know that they called themselves Atlantic Canada. I thought it was the Maritimes, but apparently “The Maritimes” includes everything but Newfoundland and Labradour. That doesn’t seem fair to me, but I guess that’s just how it is. I like the name Atlantic Canada. I think if they can call themselves that in the East, then Vancouver and Victoria are in Pacific Canada.

So far I have done six shows in five days in five cities, playing to just under 5,000 people and driving a grand total of 2,200 kilometres. Now I am in the booming metropolis that is Grand Falls-Windsor, NL. So far I have had a mediocre steak and been pulled over by a very kind police officer who let us off with a warning, despite the fact that we were going 24 kilometres over the posted limit. He even said he would come to the show tomorrow. Newfoundland is a strange place so far. Their humour seems to come at odd times. Normally we stay at very nice five-star hotels, but in this town, that will get you the Mount Peyton Hotel which is fresh out of the 80s with its wood panelling, floral bed spreads and tube TVs. When we checked in, the woman told me I would be on the second floor (there are only two floors) and I jokingly said: “Oooo, top floor, I’m up on the penthouse level,” to which she replied, they didn’t have a penthouse and that if I wanted to read there was a Gideon’s bible in the drawer.

The second town we went to on tour was Pictou, NS, which is apparently world famous for its lobster. Everybody around said that I just had to try the lobster there, and to be honest, I didn’t. I don’t like lobster. The restaurant we went to was raising money for charity and was selling bright, red shirts that said: “I GOT LOBSTER IN PICTOU.” The other guys on the tour got them, and I didn’t. They kept saying that I had to get one, but I just said it was okay, I already have a shirt that says: “I GOT CRABS IN HALIFAX.”