When the label says . . .

When the warning label says side-effects may include: foaming at the mouth, rapid breathing, increased heart rate...

When the warning label says side-effects may include: foaming at the mouth, rapid breathing, increased heart rate, overheating, incoherent speech, combativeness, hallucinations, anxiety, paranoia . . . and the possibility of stripping naked and chewing on another person’s face — I find it’s best not to ingest.

Obviously, not everyone agrees with me.

The latest street drug to take recreational explorations of the mind to a zombie-apocalyptical level is the soothing sounding Bath Salts, which according to the ever-reliable Internet consists of two-parts crazy, one-part serial killer and seven parts are-you-out-of-your-freaking-mind.

Calgary police were called to a residence this week when one young man (in his early 20s — physically, but obviously not mentally) decided that the recent reports from Miami of a naked man eating a homeless man’s face while high on Bath Salts sounded like a good time and gave the cool new drug a go. Unfortunately, the drug did exactly as described and triggered a psychotic episode.

Fortunately, police arrived before he got peckish.

Now, I’m surmising that the drug dealer forgot to include a warning label on his product, since that might cut into his profit margins, so I’ve created some easy Clip & Save labels to help him out. M

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GHB (also Rohypnol and Ketamine): May wake up the next morning not knowing who’s done what to your body, may also experience nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, agitation, visual disturbances, depressed breathing, amnesia, unconsciousness and death. When combined with alcohol can induce vomiting, unrouseable sleep and respiratory failure. Again, death.

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BATH SALTS: Please consult your family doctor if you have a sudden desire to go all George Romero on someone’s ass, or . . . err . . . face.

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CRYSTAL METH: Although Crystal can increase libido, you actually won’t care who or what you’re having sex with. Your sober friends will unFacebook you when the YouTube video goes live. Also promotes weight loss, beginning with your teeth and ending in death.

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MARIJUANA: May promote impairment of intelligence and a strong desire to eat a hamburger layered between two maple-bacon doughnuts.

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