I’ve long had a craving to try the Cajun specialty Turducken, but the mad scientists at PETA are trying to tempt me with their new creation: Turkitten.
First of all, yuck. And second of all. Yuck!
Now, I’m all for playing around in the kitchen. In fact, I’m sure that’s exactly how Turducken was invented, but the braintrust behind People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals forgot the most important ingredient: foods have to taste good together.
A stuffed boneless duck shoved inside a stuffed boneless chicken gets one’s salivatory glands doing the rumba. But cover it in sausage meat, shove it all inside a boneless turkey, and then dunk it in a boiling vat of cooking oil and we’re talking high fives all around.
Put a kitten’s cute furry head on the body of a turkey? Nope, not even a dribble of saliva. And I love both kittens and turkeys.
Plus, I have to ask, doesn’t a turkey wearing fur go against everything PETA stands for?
This is the same organization that convinced curvacious celebrities to go naked while admonishing the wearing of fur coats? I was so moved by Pamela Anderson’s “I’d rather go naked” ads that I, personally, threw away all my fur-lined boxers. (I later discovered that PETA was only referring to animal fur and that my purple faux-fur underwear was actually exempt.)
The thing I liked about PETA’s original mandate against the fur industry was that its mission was to bring about real change. Its founders saw a flaw in farming animals simply for their fur. Humans are ridiculously wasteful creatures. Just talk to any wildlife officer who has found the remains of a Grizzly bear — killed and left to rot simply for its valuable gallbladder.
Protecting animals is a good thing. Protesting large farming operations that mistreat their poultry is also valiant, but only if it’s targeted at offenders. The majority of farmers and producers — especially on our Island — take better care of their animals than some people in this city take care of their pets. Including their operations in a blanket statement is ridiculous.
And, just to be clear, eating meat isn’t bad. It’s a choice. A delicious, nutritious choice. If you want to skip the turkey at dinner, I’m more than happy to slide over an extra dollop of brussel sprouts (the ones without bacon).
Oh, and targeting children? Yeah, you know that crosses the line into both stupid and evil. Now people are going to start protesting you, and they’ll do it by wearing fur while chomping on a drumstick. M