Feeling All Wet? It’s your own fault

Vegetarians are to blame for global warming - but they can also blame vegans

It’s official! We’re to blame. While love can still make the dark clouds part to shower our lives with shimmering beams of sunlight, our mere presence on the planet is at fault for the lousy weather.

And we’re not talking about that old global warming chestnut, or the gaping hole in the ozone layer, or the blame game of pointing fingers at the poor schmuck who, shame-faced, wants a bag to carry his groceries home (although all three are linked-in just to add to our continued and mutual self-loathing).

Nope, this time the big brains at our beloved University of Victoria have discovered that (obligatory ’80s pop reference) Milli Vanilli were wrong; we can’t blame it on the rain, we have to blame the rain on us.It seems that Francis Zwiers, (obligatory impressive title here) director of UVic’s Pacific Climate Impacts Consortium, and Environment Canada research scientist Seung-Ki Min, lead author of the study: (snappily named) Human contribution to more intense precipitation extremes, have discovered that, yep, as caretakers of the planet we suck.

And now, because of the hard work (rigorous statistical detection techniques to observe changes in extreme precipitation from 1951 to 1999) these brainy folk have done, we can’t even blame the weather for our lousy walk to work — instead, once again, we have to blame ourselves.

Naturally, when the blame falls squarely on collective shoulders, as individuals we need to shift it along a little bit so that we become the finger pointer rather than the finger pointee. And that’s why it’s your fault and not mine.

First, I blame the industrial revolution. Hey, wasn’t my idea. I’m sure if I had been around and the suggestion came up that we dig a deep shaft into the bowels of the earth, throw pickaxes and shovels over our shoulders and haul a mass of filthy dark rock from tunnels miles beneath the earth, I wouldn’t have been too keen.

But, then again, child labour laws didn’t exist (and those little guys do have it pretty cushy nowadays) and I do enjoy being nice and warm while I watch TV and play on my iPad, so maybe I could have been persuaded.

OK, maybe I’ll blame cows instead.

Think about it. Apart from vehicles, planes, trains, factories and industrial furnaces — cows produce a huge amount of methane gas. The trouble is, I really enjoy a nice, juicy steak, and my cereal just isn’t the same if I replace the milk with water or leftover cold coffee.

So, maybe I should blame vegetarians? After all, if they ate more meat, there would be fewer cows. And fewer cows would mean less greenhouse gases, which would mean less rain and more sunny days. Perfect!

And the best part of this solution is that a) vegetarians are easy to recognize because they’re usually skinny, happy people (important for more accurate finger pointing); and b) when the vegetarians get tired of being the butt of our hat-headed wrath, they can turn around and blame vegans.

Vegetarians, you see, love their cheese, which means they love their cows and their goats. Vegans, on the other hand, only like things that suck in carbon dioxide and produce oxygen. So, essentially, they are grazing on the lungs and air filters of our planet.

Yep, we can definitely blame this wet, wet winter on vegans. Sorry, friends, but the facts speak for themselves. And if you have a beef (yep, obligatory pun) with my conclusions, don’t blame me, blame the scientists.

I do.Song stuck in my head

“…Baby One More Time” by Travis.

Few bands that want to be taken seriously would dare cover a hit by Britney Spears, but these Scottish lads slow it down to a mournful crawl and show just how ominous the lyrics really are. M