“The next time you come in, I’d like to know your weight.”

That’s what my doctor recently said to me. I asked: “Well, can’t you just weigh me here?”

He said that he could but that it wasn’t the most accurate weight.

I was surprised and asked how I can get a more accurate weight on my own, and he said that I should weigh myself in the morning, right after I have pooped and before I get dressed. It made sense to me at the time and I left with that plan in mind.

The next morning as I am standing naked on my scale, the only thing left in my body was the thought: “When the hell is this weight ever going to be valid?”

I know that people don’t often ask for your weight but when they do, they really need it. If I went bungy jumping and the guy putting the cord together asked my weight, and I said “Well … in the morning, before I get dressed and right after I’ve pooped …” that cord is gonna snap like a god damn twig!

Because I talk about my weight, people always try to include me in whatever random shakeology-bowflex-durrdy-mudder craze of the day is.

“Hey Mike! Ya wanna go to Cross Fit?”

No. No I don’t Trevor. I don’t want to go to Cross Fit. Do I have something better to do at 6am on a Saturday than wiggle ropes in an empty park with you? Yea. I’m gonna eat French toast and make love to my wife. Good luck with pushing that old tire across a field!

Somebody asked me if I wanted to do hot yoga with them the other day.

No. I don’t want to do hot yoga with you. And for the record, when you are fat like me, everything is hot.

I do hot putting on my pants in the morning, hot walking to check the mail. I don’t need to do it on purpose.

Have you ever walked into a hot yoga studio? It’s revolting.

It’s 15 beautiful women in $400 sweat pants stretching in a room with the atmosphere that can only be described as a warm fart. And they pay for this service! Why would I ever spend the coin to fold my body and meditate to the distant music of pan flute and queef. If I want to get bendy in a rancid bubble I will do it in the comfort of my own home.

To be fair, in defense of the person who invited me to hot yoga, I was walking around with a yoga mat over my shoulder, but the only reason I carry that around is so people will stop asking me how my weight loss is going.

It’s also great for my mid afternoon naps in the park.