AT THE MIC – Mike Delamont

Cross fit crazies

“The next time you come in, I’d like to know your weight.”

That’s what my doctor recently said to me. I asked: “Well, can’t you just weigh me here?”

He said that he could but that it wasn’t the most accurate weight.

I was surprised and asked how I can get a more accurate weight on my own, and he said that I should weigh myself in the morning, right after I have pooped and before I get dressed. It made sense to me at the time and I left with that plan in mind.

The next morning as I am standing naked on my scale, the only thing left in my body was the thought: “When the hell is this weight ever going to be valid?”

I know that people don’t often ask for your weight but when they do, they really need it. If I went bungy jumping and the guy putting the cord together asked my weight, and I said “Well … in the morning, before I get dressed and right after I’ve pooped …” that cord is gonna snap like a god damn twig!

Because I talk about my weight, people always try to include me in whatever random shakeology-bowflex-durrdy-mudder craze of the day is.

“Hey Mike! Ya wanna go to Cross Fit?”

No. No I don’t Trevor. I don’t want to go to Cross Fit. Do I have something better to do at 6am on a Saturday than wiggle ropes in an empty park with you? Yea. I’m gonna eat French toast and make love to my wife. Good luck with pushing that old tire across a field!

Somebody asked me if I wanted to do hot yoga with them the other day.

No. I don’t want to do hot yoga with you. And for the record, when you are fat like me, everything is hot.

I do hot putting on my pants in the morning, hot walking to check the mail. I don’t need to do it on purpose.

Have you ever walked into a hot yoga studio? It’s revolting.

It’s 15 beautiful women in $400 sweat pants stretching in a room with the atmosphere that can only be described as a warm fart. And they pay for this service! Why would I ever spend the coin to fold my body and meditate to the distant music of pan flute and queef. If I want to get bendy in a rancid bubble I will do it in the comfort of my own home.

To be fair, in defense of the person who invited me to hot yoga, I was walking around with a yoga mat over my shoulder, but the only reason I carry that around is so people will stop asking me how my weight loss is going.

It’s also great for my mid afternoon naps in the park.

 

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Scaredy Cats television series has turned Empress Avenue in Fernwood into a Halloween themed neighbourhood. (Travis Paterson/News Staff)
PHOTOS: Trick or treat! Halloween comes to Fernwood in January

New television series Scaredy Cats filming in Victoria

Cindy Foggit plays the lead role of Eliza in Passion and Performance’s film production Eliza: An Adaption of a Christmas Carol. (Courtesy of Rachel Paish)
Victoria adult dance studio releases modern adaption of A Christmas Carol

Instead of usual stage performance, dance studio turns to film

Braden Holtby’s new mask designed in collaboration with Luke Marston and David Gunnarsson. (Mike Wavrecan photo)
Vancouver Island Coast Salish artist unveils new mask for Canucks goalie

Braden Holtby’s new mask features artwork by Luke Marston inspired by the legend of the seawolf

Canadian singer-songwriter-actor Joëlle Rabu will join her son, Nico Rhoades, for a livestream performance courtesy the Tidemark Theatre Jan. 29. Photo submitted
Mother/son powerhouses Joelle Rabu and Nico Rhodes join forces for Island livestream

Campbell River’s Tidemark Theatre hosts online music revue

Dr. John Hooper is the new conductor of Island Voices. Photo supplied
Island Voices welcomes new conductor

Dr. John Hooper to lead mid-Island based choir

Jorie Benjamin does a modern dance performance to ‘La Vie en rose’ by Édith Piaf, Louis Gugliemi and Marguerite Monnot, choreographed by Elise Sampson during the Cowichan Music Festival’s Highlights Concert at the Cowichan Performing Arts Centre on March 1, 2020. (Kevin Rothbauer/Citizen)
Cowichan Music Festival cancelled for 2021

The festival had already been limited to solo performances only for 2021

<em>Chinook Salmon: Breaking Through</em> by B.C.’s Mark Hobson was selected among 13 entries as the winner of the Pacific Salmon Foundation’s Salmon Stamp Competition.
Stained-glass lighting casts a win to B.C. salmon artist

Painting of chinook is Mark Hobson’s third win in annual contest

Apollonian means “serene, calm, or well-balanced; poised & disciplined”. The natural photo art for the album includes Vancouver Island mountains, rivers and beaches. Scenes from the Cowichan River, Witchcraft Lake, Pipers Lagoon, Wall Beach and other popular Island recreation destinations accentuate the album. (RICHIErichieRichie Music Publishing photo)
Serenity Now! Richie Valley debuts third LP dubbed Apollonian

Apollonian means “serene, calm, or well-balanced; poised & disciplined”

Victoria artist Noah Layne is conducting online workshops on portrait drawing as part of the Metchosin ArtPod’s About Face portrait show. (Photo courtesy of Noah Layne)
Metchosin Art Pod doing an about-face

Renowned artist Noah Layne hosting online classes in portrait drawing

This weekend Amy Pye is holding a virtual book launch for her latest children’s book, <em>Bruce the Silly Goose</em>. (Photo courtesy Amy Pye)
Victoria writer and illustrator pens children’s book about COVID-19 safety

Amy Pye to hold online book launch for ‘Bruce the Silly Goose’

The pantomime ‘Snow White and the 5 Dwarfs’ has been cancelled due to COVID-19 restrictions. (Submitted)
Pantomime cancelled in Cowichan due to COVID restrictions

A partnership of the Cowichan Musical Society, the Shawnigan Players, and the Mercury Players.

Most Read