Mike Delamont

At The Mic – Mike Delamont

Travelling in the twilight zone

Today is day six on my current tour: 10 airports, three cities, two shows.

I hate flying. I hate it. I enjoy planes, but I hate flying. I travel all the time and it has become a mixed bag of insanity.

When I travel, I know how to pack and be ready for the whole airport experience. No checked bags. Print off the ticket before you get there. Shoes and belt off. GO!

I feel I am one of very few who know how this is supposed to work, but sometimes it’s the airport that throws a wrench into things. Going through airport security at the booming metropolis that is the North Bay Ontario airport-garage-and-nail salon I got to see something I had never seen before.

Everyone’s seen somebody pulled out of the line for a random security check and in North Bay it was no different, though in this case it was a baby. Thats right! A baby! Not the mother or father, but the eight-month-old criminal mastermind herself. They swabbed her hands and patted down her tiny body. I tell you if it wasn’t so adorable, I would have been furious.

On my flight back from North Bay to Toronto on the world’s smallest plane, I was treated to the experience of sharing my adventure – and seat – with the most rotund whale of a man I have ever seen. To be clear, I’m 350 lbs. I’m gigantic. So if I am calling you rotund, it should have some weight to it. Worried you might be rotund? Here is a test. When you opened this magazine did you break a sweat? No? Then you should be fine.

I don’t mean to rant, but if there are two seats, it seems only fair that we each get our own. Why do I need to share mine? People always say: “Well where do we draw the line?” This guy! We draw the line at this guy.

I’ve been on tour in Ontario and it’s been delightful – outside of the flights. Because all of the shows are in theatres and the tour is being produced by a professional company. The only thing I need to do is show up and tell jokes, so I always get asked what I do in my down time.

If you ever want to know where to find a comedian in your town, just go to the best greasy spoon restaurant and I bet you $10 they will be there. We look for them! We ask around! Greasy spoon means a real restaurant. An older, funny waitress that gives you sass and cheap coffee. This morning we went to one in Sault Ste. Marie and couldn’t have been happier. My friend Angelo, who loves food and can eat more than any person I know, was bested by the “Hungry Man’s Breakfast.”

When the waitress cleared the table and saw food left on his plate she loudly asked: “What the hell is this?” To which Angelo said: “Well I didn’t know the meal came with a whole carton of eggs.” And she replied: “Well yea! That’s why we call it the “Hungry Man’s Breakfast” not the “Hungry Woman’s Breakfast.” You don’t get that kind of treatment at IHOP and I think they are the worse for it.

This same, tiny diner was furnished with four tables and about a dozen malt-shoppe style stools. Of the 12 black stools, one was red causing us to ask why? “I dunno! Looks nice and artsy though doesn’t it? Hey! Maybe we should change the name of this place to “The Red Stool.” Yeah. I don’t think so. If your food has anything to do with red stool I don’t think you should keep going there.

Just a thought.

 

 

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

An untitled Emily Carr painting of Finlayson Point was donated to the Art Gallery of Greater Victoria by brothers Ian and Andrew Burchett. The painting had been in their family for several decades. (Courtesy of the Art Gallery of Greater Victoria)
Newly public Emily Carr painting depicts well-known Victoria view

Painting among several donated to Art Gallery of Greater Victoria

Jen Hodge conducts an online concert during the pandemic after returning to B.C. from New York City. Photo courtesy Claudia Nobauer
Canada Recovery Benefit won’t replace the magic of live performance, musicians say

Cash will help, but its the audience connection that most performers miss — and crave

Mary Fox’s new book My Life as a Potter is available at bookstores nationwide. (Cole Schisler photo)
My Life as a Potter raises funds for Mary Fox Legacy Project

Acclaimed Vancouver Island potter’s story raising money for developing artists

Premier John Horgan and Rob Douglas, BC NDP candidate for Cowichan Valley, meet with Cowichan First Nation elders, as they demonstrate spearfishing along the river. (Submitted)
Horgan acknowledges A&E sector hit hard by COVID-19, but showing signs of recovery

Hollywood North doing better than Hollywood South, Horgan says

The iconic and well-loved live music venue Logan’s is permanently closing its doors due to impacts of the COVID-19 pandemic. (Google Maps)
Victoria pub Logan’s permanently closing its doors

Live music venue unable to weather COVID-19 storm

A group gathers for a guided story walk at the Comox Valley Art Gallery plaza. Scott Stanfield photo
Comox Valley arts-based project takes honest look at overdose crisis

Walking tour aimed and raising awareness and sparking change

Nanaimo bluesman David Gogo releases his new single, Christine, on Oct. 30. (Photo courtesy Andrew Dodd)
Island bluesman David Gogo evokes return to good times with new single

Upcoming release ‘Christine’ among a dozen new songs written during pandemic

Online reservation service, First Table, allows Victoria diners to have dinner at half-price if they’re willing to be flexible about when they go. (Black Press Media file photo)
New reservation service allows Victoria residents to dine out at half price

First Table gives Victoria diners 50 per cent off when they book tables during off-peak hours

Elizabeth and Marcel Bergmann will play the same piano at the Port Theatre on Nov. 1. (Photo courtesy Best Days Ever Photography)
Piano duo perform on one piano in Nanaimo return to live performance

Marcel and Elizabeth Bergmann present first live, in-person concert since March

Leaking Time by Oak Bay resident Ilka Bauer is the winning entry of the Federation of Canadian Artist’s “Crisis” exhibition on now in Vancouver. (Ilka Bauer Image)
Oak Bay artist wins juried show in Vancouver

Pair of Oak Bay artists part of ‘Crisis’ exhibition

Can you spot all 12 Days of Christmas displays at the Butchart Gardens? Jen Blyth photo.
The magic of Christmas returns to the Butchart Gardens

Some events cancelled due to COVID-10 but 12 Days of Christmas will brighten the season

Gatineau artist Michèle Provost visits the Malaspina Galleries during her artist residency on Gabriola Island. (Photo supplied)
Gatineau artist the first to take part in new Gabriola Island artist residency

Michèle Provost to create art book reflecting on the positives of aging

Most Read