I don’t love music festivals. I realize that in this modern day saying that out loud may ostracize me, but it’s true. The music is loud, the weather is hot, and the hipsters in attendance are overwhelmingly frustrating.

Maybe I missed the boat. It seems to me that if you aren’t a 20-something in tight jeans drinking mean-green juice out of a mason jar with those weird holes in your ear lobes then maybe music festivals are not for you. Not saying everybody at a music concert is a hipster, far from it in fact, but hipsters are the ones who look at me like a dad at a rave when I walk onto the festival grounds, so they get my wrath today.

Also, how can you afford a $200 wrist band but not a $2 stick of deodorant. Maybe you should spend some of that money you saved only cutting the hair on one side of your head to purchase some? Or maybe buy a razor. I’m tired of your strange body hair. Side note: This is not for the ladies. Ladies you grow your hair out as much as you like. If I can, you can. That’s only fair. But I think we can all agree that an adult man with a 13-year-old pube stache needs to make a change. I grow facial hair like a baby. Every year people as why I don’t join Movember and it’s because I can’t! I can’t grow a moustache. If somebody starts ‘Patchy Neck Beards for Scoliosis”, I’m in. Long story short, turn the music down, buy some Dove, and shave those four hairs off your upper lip sir, you look like a 12-year-old Tijuana pimp.

To be fair, I’m angry. I went to a music festival and foolishly brought a hoodie to stay warm. It ended up being blindingly hot and obviously my first choice was to take off the sweater. The only thing that prevented this was that I was wearing a light grey T-shirt underneath and was suffering what beautiful women of all sizes and chubby men suffer from on hot days. I had boob sweat, people. So I had to make a choice: take off my sweater and show the world the boob Rorschach that had grown on my chest, or continue to wear my SWEATER at a SUMMER music festival like some kind of sweaty narc.

On another note, I’m not happy. I have a big important date coming up and I am trying to lose weight. What is the best way to drop unwanted pounds? Healthy eating and exercise you say? Naw! Im doing a juice cleanse. That’s right. Juice. Mmmmm delish! Turns out it’s not even regular juice though. Did you know a sweet potato has juice in it? I didn’t! I mean who looks at a potato and thinks mmm juicy. Crazy People.

First juice I had was beets and carrots. I didn’t know you could juice either of those and to be fair, I hadn’t eaten a beet in 20 years. Something that I had forgotten, and the box that the juicer came in also neglected to tell me, is that beets come out the same colour that they are when they go in. That was a scary morning ritual let me tell you. Your second day of healthy living and all you can think is ‘Great! I finally start eating vegetables and from the look of things, I think I might be dying’.

Of course I wish I could say I figured it all out on my own but nope! I’m a grown man and it took a medical professional at a walk-in clinic to tell me that I was not in fact dying of colon cancer. It was, turns out…just veggies. That’s great. Just. Great.