For Romantically Challenged Heterosexual Men
I am the most romantic person in the world. After all, I’m an intermittently employed comedian with only three pairs of pants, so I had damned well better be romantic.
This Valentine’s Day, I have decided to offer a private peek into my manly puce (they were all out of black) book of “6,047 Tips for Romantically Challenged Heterosexual Men or Homosexual Women Who Are Attracted to Heterosexual Women.” If you are a straight woman or a gay man, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.
Tip #1: Be a “Fixer-Upper”
This tip is based on a fundamental law of the universe that I discovered myself. Wes’s Universal Axiom Of Sexual Division: Men treat women like objects, women treat men like projects.
At his most basic level, a man sees a woman as a delicious piece of meat — perhaps tenderloin, wrapped in bacon. Mmmm, bacon.
At her most basic level, a woman sees a man as a rudderless boat in need of a paint job, a new skipper, a rudder (obviously) and curtains … always with the curtains.
It is a common mistake to think women are attracted to men who have their shit together. This couldn't be further from the truth. Women don’t want to be taken care of. Women — at least the ones worth going for — want control.
And it is far more difficult to control a man who has his stuff together than one who can barely prepare a Mr. Noodles.
Therefore, to be attractive to women, you must be in need of repair. If you really want to capture the heart of a woman, be useless.
For example, always wear mismatched socks. When she points this out to you, look down at your feet and say, “What would I do without you?”
Also, keep a selection of old ragged T-shirts that you pretend to really care about so that she can “help you” by throwing them away.
If you have any skills in household maintenance or the culinary arts, for God’s sake hide them. They will come in handy some day (your 25th anniversary or third mistress, whichever comes first) but for now, let her think she is teaching you everything.
Remember: she thinks you’re stupid. It is in your best interest to let her continue to think this.
Tip #2: Do NOT Have a Sense Of Humour!
When I was growing up in the ’80s, I learned about women the way my father did, by reading the personality profile of Playboy Playmates. Every single one of them mentioned “sense of humour” as a “Turn On.”
Naturally, I took these beautiful naked ladies at their word and worked hard to develop a kick-ass sense of humour. It is the biggest romantic mistake I have ever made.
It is simply not true that women want their romantic partner to be funny. Oh, they want their workmates and their family and their gay friends and pretty much everyone else in their lives to be funny, but consider this: every major argument I have ever had with a romantic partner began when I said something hilarious.
Saying, “Actually it’s your ass that makes the pants look fat,” may be comedy gold, but it will be completely wasted on your romantic partner.
Tip #3 - #6046
Can be ignored if you follow Tip #6047
Tip #6047: Have a LOT of Money
Seriously… like… A LOT of money. In fact, you can pretty much ignore everything else I — or anyone else — has written on the subject if you simply have a lot of money. The founder of Facebook has a face like a donkey’s rear end with the tail raised, but do you think he’s struggling to find a date to his own comedy night at the Victoria Event Centre on Feb. 12? No. Why? ’Cause he’s loaded!
There you go. Use these tips to woo, date and fornicate your way through this Valentine’s Day, but remember the old saying: “When the gods want to punish us, they give us what we ask for.” M
Wes Borg will be serving up chuckles at Phillips Comedy Night, Victoria Event Centre, 1415 Broad Street, Sunday, Feb 12, also featuring Riel Hahn, J. MacLaughlin and Howie Siegel. Tickets $10 at the door.