AT THE MIC – Mike Delamont

Cross fit crazies

“The next time you come in, I’d like to know your weight.”

That’s what my doctor recently said to me. I asked: “Well, can’t you just weigh me here?”

He said that he could but that it wasn’t the most accurate weight.

I was surprised and asked how I can get a more accurate weight on my own, and he said that I should weigh myself in the morning, right after I have pooped and before I get dressed. It made sense to me at the time and I left with that plan in mind.

The next morning as I am standing naked on my scale, the only thing left in my body was the thought: “When the hell is this weight ever going to be valid?”

I know that people don’t often ask for your weight but when they do, they really need it. If I went bungy jumping and the guy putting the cord together asked my weight, and I said “Well … in the morning, before I get dressed and right after I’ve pooped …” that cord is gonna snap like a god damn twig!

Because I talk about my weight, people always try to include me in whatever random shakeology-bowflex-durrdy-mudder craze of the day is.

“Hey Mike! Ya wanna go to Cross Fit?”

No. No I don’t Trevor. I don’t want to go to Cross Fit. Do I have something better to do at 6am on a Saturday than wiggle ropes in an empty park with you? Yea. I’m gonna eat French toast and make love to my wife. Good luck with pushing that old tire across a field!

Somebody asked me if I wanted to do hot yoga with them the other day.

No. I don’t want to do hot yoga with you. And for the record, when you are fat like me, everything is hot.

I do hot putting on my pants in the morning, hot walking to check the mail. I don’t need to do it on purpose.

Have you ever walked into a hot yoga studio? It’s revolting.

It’s 15 beautiful women in $400 sweat pants stretching in a room with the atmosphere that can only be described as a warm fart. And they pay for this service! Why would I ever spend the coin to fold my body and meditate to the distant music of pan flute and queef. If I want to get bendy in a rancid bubble I will do it in the comfort of my own home.

To be fair, in defense of the person who invited me to hot yoga, I was walking around with a yoga mat over my shoulder, but the only reason I carry that around is so people will stop asking me how my weight loss is going.

It’s also great for my mid afternoon naps in the park.

 

Just Posted

Summer at the Gardens: Alan Doyle show highlights busy schedule

Musical offerings range from classical and jazz to bluegrass and vintage rock

ROCK THE SHORES 2018: A variety of musical flavours throughout weekend in Colwood

Headliners Brian Wilson, Sheepdogs and X Ambassadors part of diverse lineup festival

Fiddle tunes complete farm bistro experience

Year-end recital at the Roost features Nellie Quinn’s fiddle students

Rebirth of downtown cultural festival coming to Victoria in July

Folktoria aims to pick up where Folkfest left off

Pass a pint: Great Canadian Beer Festival tickets on sale now

Over 200 brews and ciders will be featured at this year’s craft celebration

B.C. tourism grant helps Sooke Fine Arts Show

Grant will attract audiences from across B.C. and Washington

Sooke Arts Council hosts open house

Event takes place July 3 at 7 p.m.

Disney production filming at Victoria’s Government House today

Made-for-TV movie will feature the inside of the Rockland Avenue mansion

Duncan Has Talent performers prepping for summer show

Signups on now for crowd-pleasing series staged at Charles Hoey Park as part of The 39 Days of July.

PRIDE WEEK: Popularity has surged for Memorial Drag Ball game in the past 20 years

The venue has changed, but the theme of not taking one’s self too seriously remains

5 fun things to do this weekend in Greater Victoria

Car Free YYJ, family fishing, Sooke bluegrass, walk for cancer and a mascot’s birthday

Most Read