AT THE MIC – Mike Delamont

Cross fit crazies

“The next time you come in, I’d like to know your weight.”

That’s what my doctor recently said to me. I asked: “Well, can’t you just weigh me here?”

He said that he could but that it wasn’t the most accurate weight.

I was surprised and asked how I can get a more accurate weight on my own, and he said that I should weigh myself in the morning, right after I have pooped and before I get dressed. It made sense to me at the time and I left with that plan in mind.

The next morning as I am standing naked on my scale, the only thing left in my body was the thought: “When the hell is this weight ever going to be valid?”

I know that people don’t often ask for your weight but when they do, they really need it. If I went bungy jumping and the guy putting the cord together asked my weight, and I said “Well … in the morning, before I get dressed and right after I’ve pooped …” that cord is gonna snap like a god damn twig!

Because I talk about my weight, people always try to include me in whatever random shakeology-bowflex-durrdy-mudder craze of the day is.

“Hey Mike! Ya wanna go to Cross Fit?”

No. No I don’t Trevor. I don’t want to go to Cross Fit. Do I have something better to do at 6am on a Saturday than wiggle ropes in an empty park with you? Yea. I’m gonna eat French toast and make love to my wife. Good luck with pushing that old tire across a field!

Somebody asked me if I wanted to do hot yoga with them the other day.

No. I don’t want to do hot yoga with you. And for the record, when you are fat like me, everything is hot.

I do hot putting on my pants in the morning, hot walking to check the mail. I don’t need to do it on purpose.

Have you ever walked into a hot yoga studio? It’s revolting.

It’s 15 beautiful women in $400 sweat pants stretching in a room with the atmosphere that can only be described as a warm fart. And they pay for this service! Why would I ever spend the coin to fold my body and meditate to the distant music of pan flute and queef. If I want to get bendy in a rancid bubble I will do it in the comfort of my own home.

To be fair, in defense of the person who invited me to hot yoga, I was walking around with a yoga mat over my shoulder, but the only reason I carry that around is so people will stop asking me how my weight loss is going.

It’s also great for my mid afternoon naps in the park.

 

Just Posted

Cherish: dance, fashion and philanthropy

Oct. 4 fundraiser a collaboration betweren Dance Victoria and Victoria Women’s Transition House

Multiple Juno nominee comes to Oak Bay stage

Andrew Collins Trio play Upstairs Lounge Sept.28

WHL Royals go 2-0 vs. P.G., gear up for weekend test against Kamloops

Three-way tie for first atop B.C. Division as Victoria, Kamloops, Vancouver unbeaten

MATTER OF BEER: Getting Fresh in the Fall

Monday columnist Mathieu Poirier looks at fresh-hopped beers that mark harvest season

REVIEW: A Doll’s House: Part 2 at the Belfry revisits fractured relationships

Sheila Martindale finds the characters in this imagined sequel engaging and accessible

Musicians take note at Victoria music industry conference

Emerging artists and industry professionals come together at Rifflandia Gathering

‘Game of Thrones,’ ‘Mrs. Maisel’ triumph at Emmys

In a ceremony that started out congratulating TV academy voters for the most historically diverse field of nominees yet, the early awards all went solely to whites.

VIDEO: Young B.C. musician sings with the Foo Fighters

Stranger Than Fiction’s Madi Duncan from Port Alberni was invited up on stage at the Vancouver show

Victoria’s Ethiopian community welcomes in the year 2011

Area residents celebrate Ethiopian New Year on Sept. 12, based on the Julian calendar

Mansbridge: iconic Canadian newsman coming to Sidney

Former host of CBC’s The National part of Mary Winspear Centre speaker series

Most Read