AT THE MIC – Mike Delamont

Avoid the sumo wrestler

Four years ago I lost a good amount of weight. It was the first time I was below 300 lbs. since my teen years.

I have always been a tall guy. I was 6’1 in the seventh grade – it made me a dream for the basketball coach. Of course, to take advantage of the height, that person must also have some kind of athletic ability.

As evidence, I bring to the court’s attention the time in my childhood I played soccer and scored on my own team, as well as the time I played baseball and hit a pop-fly right up towards the sun which then fell and hit me on the head. So, I was 6’1 with the sporting ability of Stephen Hawking, and because I had grown so much in two years, I was also lucky enough to have knees made entirely of Fabergé eggs.

In 2011, I moved to Toronto. I was in a terrible relationship, I had two jobs that I hated, and I couldn’t get stage time to save my life. I was tired and fat. So I went to the gym. It was at this magical place that I found the secret to weight loss. I hope you are sitting down my friends. Buckle up my friends, as we are about to take a trip of Narnian proportions. I discovered that the way to lose weight is to eat slightly less than you normally do and try to be a little more active. I KNOW! I was as shocked as you are. Please … tell no one. What would the world do if they found this out? MADNESS I tell you. There would be madness.

When I lost the weight I was happier, a little bit healthier and I found that my body craved water and the workout. After a death in the family, I moved back to Victoria and started a relationship with a wonderful woman who just so happens to now be my wife. She met me when I was well above 300 pounds and had a nice dark nest of patchy, pathetic sideburns for a musical I was doing. If that’s not love – what is?

Over the past few years I have packed on more weight in a chapter of my life I like to call Happy Fat. It’s like the movie Happy Feet – but no dancing and pollution – it’s more poutine and a beautiful woman. This chapter has led me to today. When I weighed myself last week, I discovered that I am the heaviest I have ever been. I don’t need to disclose the number, but I will say I can now technically qualify for sumo wrestling. Which, I would do if I wasn’t worried that the sight of me and my man boobies in a thong would cause the Armageddon.

So what have I decided to do about this issue? Well, I have decided to drop the weight. And I never do anything in a small way, so my wife and I have set a goal. On our first anniversary we are going to run a 10K. So we have started training. I have started running. Day one was hard but it felt good. Yesterday was harder and it felt even better. It’s not a huge, detailed plan. It’s just getting up and doing something. There isn’t a weight goal, though I am down a few pounds from last week. Since I talk about weight in my stand up, somebody asked me what I would talk about if I lost the weight. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that if I don’t do something now I can joke on stage about how fat and tired I am until I probably die in my 40s, or I can make a change today and make jokes about something else well into my 70s. Tough choice.

I guess we will find out what happens next month.

 

 

Just Posted

Pet-A-Palooza a good reason to ‘pawse’ this weekend in Victoria

Puppies, goats, wiener dog races and more on the grounds of St. Ann’s Academy Aug. 18-19

UVic art display showcases craft of bookmaking

Art of the Book 2018 is in the Audain Gallery at UVic from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. starting Aug. 11

Celebrate local food with Feast of Fields in North Saanich

21st Feast of Fields on Vancouver Island is at Kildara Farms on Aug. 26 from 1 to 4 p.m.

RIFFLANDIA: Local artists thrive under festival model

Bands like Current Swell, one of the 2018 headliners, made their mark at RAP

Baseball’s HarbourCats wind up WCL season with loss to Pickles

Victoria needed a win to make the league playoffs, now looks ahead to 2019

Updated: ‘Queen of Soul’ Aretha Franklin has died

Publicist Gwendolyn Quinn reports Franklin passed Thursday at 9:50 a.m. at her home in Detroit

REVIEW: Ever wanted to be young again? Theatre Skam’s Concord Floral will make you think again

Strong acting in an interesting theatre space, writes Sheila Martindale

Brad Pitt says he has given Jolie Pitt millions since split

Actor Brad Pitt denies Angelina Jolie Pitt’s claim that he has paid no meaningful child support.

WINE LOVERS UNITE: Victoria festival offers numerous tasting options

Parkside Hotel and Spa hosting Victoria International Wine Festival

Farquhar Auditorium updates image for 40th season

The Farquhar at UVic ushers in new season Sept. 22

THEATRE SKAM: Young cast brings Concord Floral to life in vacant downtown retail space

Former office supply store a unique venue for telling mysterious tale of youth with secrets

Schedule released for world junior hockey championship in B.C.

Vancouver and Victoria ready to host, as Canada conducts training camp in Kamloops

Five things to do this B.C. Day long weekend

Check out these great community events in Greater Victoria

5 things to do in Greater Victoria this weekend

Check out dragon Boats, artists, football and more

Most Read